Don’t worry looking up the word “unhear” it’s not in the dictionary and it makes spell check angry (it puts up the squiggly red line).  It may not be in the dictionary but it is definitely a verb I wish I could do.  We’ve all heard the saying if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.  I must admit.  Sometimes I ignore that saying but for the most part I try to abide by it.  The person who first said that knew EXACTLY what they were talking about.  Words are sooooo powerful.  They can be used to uplift or tear down.  To make someone happy or sad.  Even Stevie Wonder said, three little words can kindle an aching heart.

Well last Friday a few words caused what I can only view, in this present state, as irreparable damage.  For the purposes of this post and to protect the not so innocent dates and names have been changed.  I will call this person Johnny.  Johnny and I have been friends for a few years.  We’ve shared good and bad times but last year we decided that the bad times were beginning to outweigh the good.  In order to allow room for happiness in each of our lives we agreed to end our friendship.  We stayed away from each other and only spoke when it was extremely necessary.  Now there’s something you have to know about Johnny.  Johnny was my person.  Johnny has seen me at my worst and has watched me evolve and grow.  Johnny met me at a time when I was team no new friends but truly won me over.  I loved me some Johnny.  Deciding to part ways with Johnny wasn’t easy but I believed it was best for both of us.

A few months ago, what I thought was a good opportunity arose and I thought “this would be perfect for Johnny”.  I reached out to him and he was on board to give it a go.  This opened the door for
“no communication” to go to “limited communication”.  Johnny and I would speak ever so often to settle away this business opportunity but for the most part our dialogue was limited.  Last Friday, while trying to get food for the impending lockdown Johnny and I had a little spat.  Maybe it started as a spat but it surely ended like

In the course of the argument Johnny said something that I never imagined he would say.  Something I could never imagine saying to him. I had to do a double take.

I felt hurt and betrayed.  I knew we weren’t as close as we used to be but I never imagined that we were that far apart.  After hearing it I must say it probably took me 5 minutes to get myself together.  I was in a state of shock.  I must’ve heard wrong.  Johnny? My Johnny? Not my Johnny..he would NEVER! Oh but he did.  Johnny knew I cared for him.  He also knew that I was slow to let people in but once you were in you were in.

I think we both knew in that moment that things had taken a turn for the worst and we needed to be away from each other.  As we were driving a song that we listened to over 5 years ago came on and it was at that moment that I felt the shift in the atmosphere.  I felt the shattering of a special love between my former person and I.  It felt like a breakup but Johnny wasn’t my boyfriend.  No, Johnny was more than that.  Johnny was the person that had signed the imaginary friendship contract.  Johnny was the no backsies friend.  Even though we had been on friend hiatus (facepalm) there was an unspoken rule…we were still riding for each other.  I would never and still could never say what he said to me to him.

Johnny did apologize, more than once, claimed he spoke out of anger.  I heard Johnny’s apology but I could only reconcile two things…1) You meant it!  You were sorry you said it but you meant what you said or 2) You said it to intentionally hurt my feelings.  Either option didn’t sit well with me.  A friend commented today…I’m sorry that person didn’t think twice and spoke once.  That was it.  That was exactly what this was.  Had Johnny spent 15 more seconds thinking about what he was going to say we wouldn’t be here.  It happened Friday but it still hurts today.  I hope it doesn’t hurt tomorrow but it probably will.  For however long I feel this pain one thing remains true every time that conversation creeps into my memory a tinge in my heart will hurt.

This isn’t about unforgiveness because forgiveness liberates me, not Johnny.  Johnny probably never even gave the argument a second thought.  This is about recognizing how damning and damaging our words can be to someone.  This is about making sure the people we love never doubt that we love them.  This is about realizing that matters of the heart is always at the heart of the matter.  I would be lying if I say that I instantly stopped loving and caring for Johnny.  I could say it but no one would believe me.  I wouldn’t even believe me.   But what I can say is “the best way to appreciate someone is to imagine life without them”.  Unfortunately, Johnny and I no longer have to imagine life without the other because

Until next time…Always Clinking,

Tee (I need fancy script for this)

As always, feel free to share your thoughts with me in the comment section.

When I hear women say they don’t have female friends or like to hang around women my heart goes out to them.  My friendships with other women have brought me so much joy.  I love hanging with and celebrating my fellow Queens as we journey through this thing called life (RIP Prince).

This week I had an opportunity to attend Charlamagne the god’s book signing with one of my friends, A.  A and I met on the job 8 years ago and have managed to cultivate a pretty amazing friendship.  We don’t get to go out as much as we’d like to because we have to adult more often than not, but when we do get together it’s AMAZEBALLS!  While sitting at the bar sipping our Cava I realized how much we have been through together.  We have shared in each others joys and pains.  We are always experimenting with something ridiculous and always end up with a really good story.    Before, during and after the book signing we laughed so hard my cheeks were hurting when I got home.

The next morning, as I began my day with gratitude, I realized just how blessed I am.  I have amazing friendships that have turned into familial relationships.  From group chats, to looks, to secret handshakes (gang gang) my friendships have been a source of love,  happiness and care.  My friendships are my safe place and source of support. Then it hit me, people that complain about the quality of their friendships may fail to do the necessary self reflection.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, 

If my friendships are truly a reflection of the type of friend that I am then I’m a darn good friend.  (If I do say so myself.)

If you avoid friendships with the same sex like the plague what kind of friend have you been?  A woman will forgive a man that they love 94,895,490,274 times but will cut a woman out of their lives after just one mistake or misunderstanding.  Sis, DO BETTER!  There are women waiting to love on you, to cheer you on, to wipe your tears and give you that hug you so desperately need.  Come on in to the circle of sisters

What are your friendships like?  Or an even better question, what kind of friend are you?

Always Clinking!

The insomniac in me loves Instagram.  When I can’t sleep and I don’t feel like getting up and being my extraordinary self, I lay in bed and be basic. (LOL!)  I can scroll Instagram with no real purpose and be quite satisfied.  I am the annoying friend that forwards memes at 2:45 am because I found it hilarious and I don’t want to forget about sending it to you later in the day (fight me).  This week’s scroll produced a reminder of something I had seen before.  It simply said, It’s so empowering to say, “this isn’t serving me” and walk away in peace.  Eureka!  There it was, words that were so empowering to me once before had popped up again because I needed a reminder.

It seems that someone or something is ALWAYS in retrograde.  Mercury’s last retrograde was a doozy but I made it out alive but now here comes Venus. (Come on son!)  I don’t get into the particulars of the retrograde, I don’t know much about the house, the order or the rising but I know the fact that it appears to us that a planet is going backwards when we know that isn’t possible grabs my attention.

The directive to me during this retrograde was to be romantic.  My sign is supposed to fall in love with everything: my work, my dreams, etc..  I was cautioned about an ex coming back into my life that I should take a chance on

not TUH-DAY satan!

All those words in my horoscope but it never told me the dynamics of one of my close friendships would change.

An incident happened which in the moment I thought nothing of it, but after 1 sleep and a wake I realized, I’m tired of this roller coaster.  I’m a bomb friend and I’m tired of having to explain my intent and coddle feelings and emotions because you have misunderstood me once again or you’re in your feelings so you take everything personally.  It’s draining, it’s exhausting and I want out.  I’m like girl, if you’re my friend you should know me, why do I have to constantly clarify something with you? UGH.  Now don’t get me wrong this person is a Tony the Tiger…GGGREEEEAAAATTTTT friend and I’m sure she’ll call me and say “are you talking about my in your blog post” and I’ll say,

I’m just tired of the constant victimization of self when there was no crime committed.  So this time, instead of calling to work it out I just walked away from the situation.  It’s not permanent, I know we’ll be back talking at some point, but I am sure that things will be different.  I’m letting go of the need to always make it right and embracing the need for accountability. The need to always make it right led to this moment where I’ve shut down.  Had I addressed this issue before maybe we wouldn’t be here but hey, it’s never too late.

How many times have we held on to things that didn’t serve us so we weren’t viewed as selfish.  We hold on to toxic relationships because we really want them to survive and thrive even though they have been dead for years.  We get along just to get along because we don’t want to rock the boat but why not…you’re the captain now (movie line). We stay in careers that make us miserable because we are afraid of starting over, we fear that we aren’t good at anything but that which we have always been doing and no one else will hire us.  We bend over and allow people to ride our backs because we don’t want to be viewed as less than amenable.

Well look at God, here is our opportunity.  Our moment in time to begin to practice self care in a way we never thought possible.  We are going to LET.IT.GO and reclaim our peace, our joy and ourselves.  Letting it go is like taking that long, relaxing deep breath.  First you INHALE, you close your eyes and imagine all the things in your life you want to release, you see yourself where you want to be.  Then you fully EXHALE, you release all negativity and things that do not serve you.  Finally you OPEN YOUR EYES and move forward in power.  When you let it go, when you walk away with the peace of knowing that whatever the situation was it wasn’t for your good, you take back your power and make room for the next great thing that has been dying to enter your life.

Come join me because I’m out here like Elsa, standing on the mountain top, twirling around and screaming “Let It Go” at the top of my lungs.

Always Clinking!